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Friday, March 29, 2013

Why I've Been Gone

Salam alaikum my sisters in Islam. 

I suppose I should give an explanation for my absence. It isn't exactly the easiest thing to talk/write about. 

As some of you may know, I was expecting a little one, due in October. March 19th I had a 12 week appointment. We went in without a care in the world, so excited to see the baby on the sonogram screen. Our high spirits fell when we saw that the baby wasn't moving nor did it have a heartbeat. The Mid-wife brought in the Dr to confirm her findings. Straight away my OBGYN said that most likely the baby died around week 9, from the size it was measuring. 

It was all a complete shock. The pregnancy had been going so well, there weren't any signs that there was a miscarriage. No bleeding or cramping. I cried a lot the first few days, but came to terms with it all. Allah knows best (Allah kareem). From conception Allah knew that this child would only make it to 9 weeks. We do not know the reason why, but perhaps it is to reminds us how life can be taken so easily. How short life really is. 

My OBGYN gave me just about a week for my body to naturally expel the baby on its own. I saw this as a fair amount of time as I had already been carrying the baby for 3 weeks, one more week would make a total of 4 weeks of carrying my now deceased baby. The following week after our dismal news, we had another ultrasound to confirm that the baby was dead. (My OBGYN is Muslim and likes to know 100% that the baby is deceased before performing any procedures). 

We arranged the D&C to be done on Wednesday, March 27th, 2013. I was very scared about it all. I had never been under anesthesia before, never had to have surgery done. Before I was put to sleep I shed a few tears, just the thought that when I would wake up I would no longer be carrying my unborn child. When I was waking up from unconsciousness, I was literally sobbing and weeping. During my sleep I had dreamed I had carried my baby to full term and just delivered it, but harsh reality came when I woke up and the nurse was saying I was in the recovery room.

It has been only a few days, 2 to be exact. I feel pretty well off and much like myself. Once again, I have accepted all of this. My OBGYN said that this isn't anything out of the ordinary, for some babies, their genetics and chromosomes do not form correctly when conceived and the baby is destined to die from the time it is conceived. He reassured me that there was nothing that I could of done to change what happened.    

33 comments:

  1. Oh no! I'm sorry to hear this :( Many blessings to you at this time!!

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  2. So sorry sister. May Allah grant you great rewards in this world and the hereafter.

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    1. Jazakalkhair for the well wishes. <3

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear this sister. Allah knows best and is the best of planners. May you be reunited in Jannah.

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    1. Insha'allah Ameen, yes, I can put my full trust that there is a reason behind this all.

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  4. extremely sorry to hear this but be positive that allah will bless u with another baby in the right time sooner than u think maybe inashalla
    glad u let it out as u may feel a bit released than soake it all in i will pray for u allah ye3awed 3aleekee soon inshalla
    god bless u

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  5. My sister Um Ahmed Am sorry to hear this, may Allah help u pass over this shock, think that u have Ahmed and inshaAllah u will fill your house with nice kids like him Just say "La haula wa la quata ila B Allah" u 'll feel that your heart is lighter. My kisses for u sister.



    Nada.

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    1. Jazakalkhair Nada for always being so supportive. <3

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  6. omg sister, i am so sorry to hear about this great loss. Surely there are no words that could help... Just lots of prayer that Allah give u patience to overcome this grief.... Allah is always with you ! and HE knows what we can not know....Hugs sweetie

    Saba

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    1. Insha'allah Ameen, jazakalkhair for the dua's. <3

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  7. Asalaam alaikum sister, Inna lilalhi wa inna ilayhi rajioon . Know That Allah Will Reward you for your patience. The harder the test the more reward you will receive, and Allah tests those that He loves. Umm Tareq

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    1. Wa alaikum salam, jazakalkhair for the encouraging words. <3

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  8. Assalamu aleikum.
    I am so sorry sister. I can only imagine what you've felt. But subhaanAllah pain only makes us stronger. Insha'ALlah you will recover and you will have another baby soon.
    Life is so precious indeed and if Allah (swa)decided to take him/her away is because Allah (swa) loves him/her very much. And surely there is something good to come for your family Insha'Allah.

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    1. Wa alaikum salam, jazakalkhair for your kind and supportive words. <3

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  9. Dear sister, inshaAllah you will be blessed with another child. I know there are no words to heal your pain. May Allah bless your family.

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  10. As-Salamu Alaikum Umm Ahmad,

    Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un
    May Allah grant you sabr during this difficult time sister big hugs and may Allah reunite you both in Jannah. Ameen. <3

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    1. Wa alaikum salam, Insha'allah Ameen, jazakalkhair ukhti. <3

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  11. Thank you for sharing this with us, sister. I'm sure it also helps you to express it and get support. When I get re-married, I hope one day I will have a child. I understand how it feels to want to hear those words "you're pregnant", and if you have been wanting the child, those words will make you glow. Its hard when you want that so much, but you have to wait. Also, I had a friend a few years back who went through this too. I mean she became pregnant and there was no heart beat after a few weeks, so she miscarried. Then she became pregnant again, so she bought a baby heart monitor to keep at home, and it gave her lots of peace of mind, because she was able to listen to the baby's heart beat any time she wanted. She did carry that baby to full term and it was a cute little girl. So that thought is something to look forward to. I think I might get one of those monitors too if I ever conceive.

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    1. Alhamdulilah that I already have a little one to keep me distracted. I feel sorry for the ladies who ttc for years.

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  12. May Allah swt grant you everything you want my dear sister. amin.

    this is a video i watched recently and it talks about sabr, how it is not just patience, and misfortune, how it can be good, as it can make us closer to Allah swt. it was heart-warming for me and I hope maybe it will be for u too in sha Allah. :)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADiTs-ZXuhw

    <3 Tina

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    1. Jazakalkhair sis for all of the support and love you show me. Love you for the sake of Allah! <3 I can't express how much I appreciate you. <3

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    2. i love you for the sake of Allah swt too <3 :))) <3 what u said is so sweet, it made me so happi elhamdulillah.

      <3

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    3. i love you for the sake of Allah swt too <3 :))) <3 what u said is so sweet, it made me so happi elhamdulillah.

      <3

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  13. May Allah bless & reward you for your struggles and give you peace, sister. Always continue to be patient and strong in faith. I can only imagine!

    Salaam
    Nicole,
    thenotsobasic.wordpress.com

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    1. Insha'allah, Ameen, jazakalkhair for your kind words. <3

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  14. Assalamuaalaikum sister. I understand what you went through as I went through the same thing 3 times. Each time, my baby was alive for 10 weeks then it stopped growing. The last miscarriage, my body expelled the fetus out of my body and the pain was excruciating but Alhamdulillah I am better now. I have read a hadith that says In Shaa Allah our babies will be waiting for us in the Hereafter. Take care and stay strong.

    Abu Musa al-Ash'ari said: The Prophet said: "When the child of a man dies, Allah asks the angels, ‘Did you take the soul of my slave's child?’ They reply, ‘Yes.’ He asks them, ‘Did you take away the apple of his eye?’ And they reply, ‘Yes.’ Then He asks, ‘What did My slave say?’ They tell Him, ‘He praised You and said, ‘To Allah we belong and to Him is our return.’ Allah says, ‘Build a house for him in Paradise and call it Bait al-hamd (the house of Praise).’” (At- Tirmidi. Ahmad and Ibn Hibban).

    Ali (radiallahu 'anhu) reported that:

    The Prophet (SAWS) said: “A miscarried fetus argues before his Lord
    if his parents have been sent to Hell. The fetus will be told: ‘O arguing fetus,
    take your parents into Heaven!’ He then would pull them with his umbilical cord
    until they enter Paradise. [Ibn Maajah]

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  15. Assalamu alikom sweet sister.
    I came across your blog, and I found this post. It must have been Allah's faith as I am able to relate to every single word that you have described in this post. only 1 month ago I experienced what you experienced too. It was my first baby, and It was around the 9th month that Allah swt decided that I should lose it. I was a early labor and very painful.

    Alhamdulilah I am fine and healthy and I ask Allah swt to ease it for all muslim sisters who experience such a loss. Sometimes the body recovers but the soul still hurts. After all, we are just humans. Alhamdilillah besides from being human we are also muslims and it is only from Allah'sswt mercy that he promised us ease with hardship: "inna ma3l 3usri yusra".

    During such a hard time it is important to get a lot of support, and besides from these kind-hearted people who have been writing to you, I hope that you are getting enough emotinal support in shaa Allah :)

    Your boy is such a blessing ma shaa Allah :)

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  16. Asalam waliykum sis.

    Jazakallah khier for having the strength for sharing this with us, and trusting us with your private life. Inshallah I will make plenty of Dua for you. It is ok to grieve do not let anyone tell you can not, Inshallah when the time is right.
    In the UK we have a brilliant support network for sisters who have lost children, during pregnancy and post natal. Here is a link http://childrenofjannah.com/ there is a free Ebook

    here is a you tube link explaining more about the charity:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRxW09_D4QA

    Inshallah the support and love will get you through this difficult time, my prayers and thoughts are with you. Turn to Allah in this time. Inshallah Allah brings you khier.

    Take care

    Wasalam

    Salwa -x-

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